I was
stuck!
Though I haven’t been an active alcoholic for 11 years, I’ve
continued many of the thought processes of a drinker. It has taken hard work to crawl out of the
pit of self-condemnation. Because I brought humiliation and shame on myself
with drunken behaviors, my recovery has been littered with memories. I would
beat myself up and rehearse my shame over and over again.
Yeah, I was angry and yelled…put a hole in the
wall that time 13 years ago. You can
still kind of see it. Yeah, I really did drink so much that the whole town knew
about it. If I hadn’t done that ….Yeah, I
really am resentful at my friend. I forgive her BUT she made me feel so bad when she said... I really did ruin Father’s day that year.
I focused on the behavior and my lack of control. Then I would
try to erase the pictures in my loud head. I have learned finally to go back, and be grateful
that I am not that person. Sometimes I
list the positive changes in attitude and thought that I notice. God even joins
in and helps me with this. I can also be
thankful it’s over. I’ve made a pact
with me. Don’t allow any thoughts to "toddler" into self-condemnation. I’m
growing up. Thank God.