A spiritual awakening
is said to occur as we practice the steps of AA. Does that mean that we feel
better after we surrender? For me, the
feelings came much later. Feelings were,
and are still are, unreliable. Even though I was hopeless about sobriety and didn’t
believe anything would happen, I finally asked God to take over and help me. He
intervened in a miraculous way. His
presence began to be obvious to me. In faith I
prayed, went to recovery meetings, spent a lot of time reading, listened to others,
and did what I was told to do. I began
to stay sober, but I didn’t have happiness or joy. As I continued to make progress, it became
apparent that I didn’t earn my own sobriety. The ability to keep doing the next
right thing was a gift. I still didn’t
feel much of anything. As a matter of fact, I continued to be depressed, but
there was a change; I didn’t desire to drink anymore. That is the miracle. My will to be free of alcohol changed and I did
nothing to make that first step happen.
I continued to do everything that those with sobriety do. Gradually, I
did feel better. Gradually, I awakened spiritually. Gradually, I could love God instead of blame
Him for my addiction. He knew that I needed His help believing in His faithfulness.
I didn’t need good feelings. I needed
faith in His power and in His care. I wondered if he was going to abandon me.
He came through even when I doubted Him. He gave me exactly what I needed.
