As
recovering alcoholics, we must deal with our past. We are given lots of advice
about how to take care of resentments. But we are also warned about obsessing
with self. We are warned about getting stuck in childish patterns and fears. I
used to think the stuff that happened when I was a kid was over and done. If I began to remember things that bothered
me from those years, I dismissed it quickly.
I decided it was silly to dwell on hurts or fears from years ago. It only brought self-pity or remorse. What’s the purpose of feeling bad all over
again? Just keep burying those things. They will disappear. But they didn’t disappear.
I
have recently learned to pay attention to reoccurring memories from my
childhood. I remembered that I was afraid to feel close to God when I was young.
When I turned away from God, I turned
away from people also. Now I understand
that when I turned away from God, I was turning away from love because God is
love. I remember feeling starved for love. I wondered why. I had a good family. I had friends. I had a hamster and a dog. I even had a church that loved people. But I
felt unloved and unable to love. I was
afraid of love. I recently talked with God about this. I found out that this could be easily fixed.
I went back to that day that I ran away from God. I closed my eyes and
pretended it was that same day. I told Him I wanted to be close to Him and to love
Him back. It’s not that I haven’t been
praying or talking with Him. All these years I’ve been spending time with Him,
but I felt like there was something missing. I needed to go back to that
particular time I turned away from Him and start from that place. That memory
has changed since I did that. Now when I think about the day I ran from Him there
is no fear, regret or discontentment. I feel
comfort and a nurturing love from Him. I’ve
decided that feelings do matter a lot.
They show me important things.
How did I figure this all out? The
Father showed me. These thoughts about my childhood are not my own. They are
Him. Who else would talk to me about
love? He wanted to make it right. I’m so glad I listened.
