Trusting does not come naturally to many of us. Too many let downs or too many experiences of
feeling ignored have left us feeling insecure. Dismissed is the right word. It best describes that feeling of
belittlement. You’re unimportant. That
is what the head voice likes to say. You’re insignificant. That
is why you are last to be answered, last to be listened to, and last to get the
undivided attention.
If we have experienced these things, we just don’t want to trust
anyone. Trust is especially difficult if we are fragile - as in recovering from
years of escape through drugs or alcohol. We have not only become used to being
dismissed but we have been downright misunderstood, purposefully left out,
criticized, talked about, and gently but condescendingly put down. Even those who love us are waiting for us to
screw up because they know that we will. We might not ever drink again, but we
will surely frustrate or disappoint them because that’s what we do. We may
revert to anger and impatience and behave as we used to. Then we refuse to
trust because we’ve got repeated conflict in our face again. We thought that
was over.
I decided to give trusting God a try. If I start with Him,
maybe I can learn to be vulnerable and real.
Maybe He will prove to be someone I can count on. Does He leave me? Never. Does
he answer me? Always, though sometimes in a funny way. Is He kind? He is crazily kind. I just have to turn off the head voice and listen to
Him. Contrary to many opinions, He is NOT judgmental, but He loves me in an honest
way, faults and all.
God actually prepares me for real life. His love prepares me for life that is far
from perfect, and is at times full of downward spirals. Knowing that I am loved unconditionally
actually prepares me for the times of NOT being loved. Unconditional love
prepares me for manipulation, anger, or being let down. I can let those things
ride along, and trust for the best because I know who believes in me.
God does. I think I will trust Him and ask Him to tell
me how and when to trust others.
