Adolescent behaviors can become lifetime struggles. We who
began addiction at a young age found that we became stuck in irrational and
immature thinking. Self-centeredness and risk taking became energizing. Alcohol
made us feel important and emboldened. We slid to the bottom of the slippery
slope of saying, I’ll fix it later. Things
will be different tomorrow. “Tomorrow”
went on for years. Even in my two decades
of abstinence from alcohol, I still wanted to drink and every now and then I
would drink. I wasn’t addressing the emotional
issues. I was simply abstaining. Finally alcohol drew me back. The behaviors were back too. (Actually they
never left). Throwing phones, driving drunk, yelling at people I love as well
as complete strangers are all things I did many times. Maybe the medical people
were correct in saying that the frontal lobe of the brain stops developing at
the age we are when we become chemically addicted.
If that is true I was still emotionally seventeen when I
turned fifty. And I spent my fiftieth
birthday in rehab feeling very sorry for myself.
I am glad that this heavy message about my immature emotional
state was passed on to me by counselors.
I am glad because there is a way out. I don’t have to remain a teenager
for the rest of my life. If no one had told me this, maybe I wouldn’t have
cared enough to get well. Working the twelve steps addresses these
underdeveloped emotions. We grow up as we take responsibility for actions. We
find that there are reasons for our inadequate feelings of ourselves. We can
heal and we can stop blaming others. Instead of blaming ourselves, even when we
are at fault, we learn to be compassionate and understanding toward ourselves. Traumatic
events in our past can be overcome instead of replaying over and over in our
head. God is at work in the twelve steps
of AA. God is at work in counselors, rehab facilities and prayer meetings. God
uses many avenues to get us what we need. He cares deeply. It is not through luck
or trial and error that I finally got sober. It is not through luck or my own human
efforts that I am growing up emotionally or that I have healed of past trauma.
It is a divine act of God. His grace
followed me around for years. When I was ready, He was here. His patience and care does not run out. God is
not ashamed of my behaviors or my immaturity. He is all about fixing things.
