It’s hard not to be fearful. It seems like I spend large
parts of my day dispelling fear. I tell myself the fears are silly and
unfounded. I tell myself they fears are from years ago and have no validity
what so ever. I am no longer the insecure, childish, drunk person I once was, so stop
fearing! The fact is, I still fear what others think. That is hard to
admit. Fearful thoughts of being perceived
as strange or immature or unwise still nag at me even though I have proven them
false many times through my actions and choices. I am finding that if I follow
the voice of God, I can actually accept being
weird for His purposes. My own purposes
are what prove to be fickle, but when God gives direction, there is faith that
brings confident completion. When God shows me to speak up or to do a good deed
or to take a stand, then the courage that is necessary appears. So the
difference is about belonging to God and not being just my own. Assurance and
confidence come from following God and not my own will. When I feel fear, that
usually means I am on the self-centered track and I can gauge the amount of
self-centeredness by the amount of fear. They are directly proportional. Hmmm. I
need to think and pray on this. Being drunk was a selfish action. I became
habitually self-centered and fearful. It sure takes a long time to find out how
normal people live, but I am grateful that I was pushed into learning this
truth. If it weren’t for my recovery from alcoholism, would I be willing to
turn my heart to God and His care?? I guess that even fear proves to be a useful
tool, because with God’s help it points me toward my healing and growth. God uses everything in my life for his good.
