Decision making was a horrendous task when I was actively
drinking. I couldn’t even gather the necessary information to make a plan of action. It was more than being under the influence
and having a foggy brain. It was that my
motives were skewed. My motives were driven by selfish ambitions and
greed. More, more… me, me. Who cares
what he thinks. I want….I need…
But even in sobriety I suffer in making sound decisions. Is that God’s voice or my own? A good
friend recently told me that when I am feeling tempted to do something then
it is most likely not God who is speaking.
I have been trying to use her counsel when I have a choice
or decision ahead of me. The other day I felt a drawing to give someone a
hug. I didn’t do it because there were
others present I didn’t know and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. As
I thought about it later I realized that the hug was a true motive of love and
not impulsive selfish energy. I regretted that I hadn’t
recognized the desire to give a hug as being spiritually motivated. I let fear win.
Another decision I had to make recently was when I was told
about someone who needed help. I was feeling pressed to go and pitch in. I
began to condemn myself for not running right over to help. I tried praying to
gain more confidence. I realized then
that I was feeling tempted by my own desire to help and to be known as GOOD. I wanted to skip weighing all the outcomes. I finally
realized it might not be best to go help this time because I would be butting
in to a volatile family situation where I might cause further problems. This choice did not feel like it would end
well. I believe I finally made the best decision for all involved.
Whew! I am making this very complicated. These things should
be simple right? Well, in recovery we
learn to cope with parts of life that once were on drunken auto pilot; whatever
is easy and nice… whatever works and
brings a quick fix.. whatever they all do is what I’ll do…whatever doesn’t feel
fearful.
The bottom line is that afterwards, I usually know whether
or not I made the right decision. If I
make a practice of evaluating what I did and what I learned, next time I will
have insight and wisdom. I will eventually learn what to do without all the
drama and temptation to conform.
