Failure is something I fear. I avoid it at any cost. Why is
that? After thinking about it for some time, I came to the conclusion that my
worries about failure are a result of perfectionism. If I can’t do it perfectly,
then why bother? Since I rarely do accomplish
perfection, I am wondering how this even works. It doesn’t work. I end up doing
nothing of substance because I fear failure and know that I won’t be able to accomplish
my task perfectly. When I was drinking this wasn’t a problem. I drank to avoid failure
and then I painted walls through blurry eyes until 2 a.m. I thought it looked
fine because I w as drunk. I kept drinking the next day so I wouldn’t have to
notice.
In sobriety I have put off decisions because I’ve been afraid of
making wrong choices. I shopped for furniture and couldn’t buy anything
because I was afraid of making a poor choice. I’m even worried about choosing second best. This is part of why I drank. I couldn’t stand to think about not
measuring up. I thought I was crazy.
Sobriety continues to be an eye opener. Every other day I
discover something that I have to learn how to deal with. I have to work up the
courage to go ahead and mess up or else ask for help. What is really important in life? My
grand kids don’t care if I do things perfectly when I spend time with them. As a
matter of fact, it’s more fun for them if I mess up and then we fix it together.
Botched cookies can be fun. You have to decide what to call them.
People are more interested
in meaningful relationships than in spending time with a perfectionist. I don’t
want to be one anymore. It’s okay to be
mediocre at some things and it’s a good thing to learn new skills through trial
and error. Open-ended projects are the
best thing for me. They bring enjoyment without the stress of one perfect
outcome. They are also the conduit for creating great memories.
I have to keep thinking about this and talking to myself
about it. I can call an expert when I need something done right. The rest of
the time maybe I will enjoy the mess.
