One of the things that continues to take effort in recovery
from alcoholism is building healthy boundaries.
I fail at this so often because I want to maintain control over
situations and relationships. I remain fearful of letting go. How can I
trust other people? Afterall, they usually let me down. I’ll be darn if I’m
going to give up and let others trample all over me.
I prefer to shop for my boundaries and pick and choose what I
want to allow. I can remain in control of my relationships if I don’t let others
in. I’ll buy two of those concrete walls to keep feelings intact. I’ll take
three of those iron girders to contain my thoughts about past mistakes. I’ll
take seven of those guardrails to protect my resentments and motives from being
known. That should do it.
What I’m forgetting when I do this is that God wants to be
in control. Not people. Not me. Not past drunken memories. Not feelings. When I
submit my fears and feelings to God, I notice that the continuous motor of push,
push, push, get your way, get your way, get your way stops. I can begin to
trust someone besides myself. If I trust God, He has my back. He protects my integrity
and outcomes. He establishes a “rightness” about my life. God doesn’t let
people own me. The times I have submitted my will in taking control, I have
been amazed that God has proven himself to be trustworthy and faithful. Situations
change. Circumstances become different. Choices appear. I get new understanding. Maybe that one little
act of obedience will bring surprising fruit of healing. That conversation
where I allowed myself to be transparent may be the very thing that changes a
relationship for the good.
There is power at work that I cannot see; power to
break off my over-rigid boundaries of fear.
