The Real War

 Self-hatred becomes an acceptable feeling when we have been in an addiction. We hated ourselves for not being able to measure up to society’s norms and standards. We first hated ourselves because we were mistreated and decided those who hurt us were right. We drank or drugged to escape the hatred. Then we maintained the self-hatred so that we could rightfully welcome some more drink or drug. We used self-hatred as an excuse to refrain from getting help. We used self-hatred as protection from difficult or new relationships. On and on it goes.

As I think about the word self -hate I realize the horror of it. The word has softened because I got so used to feeling that way. Hate is an unacceptable thing in our society, but for some reason when we talk about self-hate we think of it as common. It has somehow become a phase of a difficult time of life. Then it lingers because we got used to it. We felt humble when we hated ourselves.

I think I finally woke-up from the dream where hating myself is part of my life-style.  I have to remember that MYSELF is a PERSON. Hating myself is the worst and most horrible hate. I cannot truly care for anyone if I hate me. The self-centeredness bleeds through. It steals all the energy for compassion.

I do not take part in addiction anymore. I do not take part in hating others. I do my best to care for all people. I fight against complacency in selfishness. Now I must fight against self-hatred too. I must call it out. I must not look the other way. And I must find the love with which to replace it.  That love only comes from God. It only comes from the one who gave Himself for me; Jesus.