Don't Run to the Comfort

 Many of us who have experienced addiction have had some deep wounds from our past. We drank or drugged to escape the feelings from difficult memories. Just like many of you, I have gone through counseling, recovery classes, and book searches to get some emotional healing.  What I am starting to realize after years of learning how to gain freedom, is that there is a comfort in the woundedness. I am secure in knowing that I have an excuse to be detached from relationships. The trauma I experienced is someone else’s fault. The mean-spirited abuse I suffered has fostered a controlling attitude in me that I didn’t recognize until recently. I became comfortable making walls and living behind them. It’s easier to stay behind the wall then it is to chance rejection. Taking risks is uncomfortable because I have to move toward another person who may desire to hurt me, or at least dislike me.  It is so much easier to stay home, get distracted, don’t reach out, let the others talk, walk away, or pretend I am invisible.

This isn’t about courage. This isn’t even about moving through the fear. It's about willingness. Am I willing to be uncomfortable? Am I willing to be rejected? Now that I am an adult, I can decide if I want to be near someone. I can say yes, even when I don’t want to. I can say yes, even if I have reason to doubt my acceptance. I may have to pay the price of discomfort and humility – maybe even a little humiliation - in order to get to relationship.