A friend recently suggested to me that perhaps I still have disdain for myself as a previous drunk. Really? I decided to look at this possibility, though I believed she was wrong. I don’t like the me that was a drunk. I have no love for that person that drank. I decided that it is true. I look at myself as the problem. Should I hate me, or should I hate the drunkenness? I’m a little slow to admit this, but I still have lots of self-condemnation towards myself.
Yes. There it was, that attitude of punishment towards myself.
Drinking behaviors that are now years old are still inciting me to believe I
need punishment. I deserve consequences into eternity for becoming a poor
testimony to the name of Christ. Is His cleansing not enough? Was my redemption
not thorough? It seems that I held onto a small piece of self-hatred for my
sins. I must pay for the drunk driving I committed. I must pay for bringing
shame to the Lord and to my family. I maintained that belief. I clung to it. But
that belief is contrary to the gospel. It is contrary to a contrite heart. True
repentance gives everything to God. There is no withholding.
I stand corrected. I can’t afford to have a payment schedule.
I owe nothing. It’s all covered.
I believe God will enable me to develop a patient, long-suffering acceptance and love for that old drunk self. My disdain will be only toward the criminal behaviors the addiction brought. I will have Godly fear towards the dishonesty of drinking while driving. I agree, with God’s help, to separate myself from those old behaviors. They are no longer mine. It is as if they never were.
I have been rescued from alcoholism since January 7th, 2006. The miracle of God's grace and restoration continues to prove itself ~ Kerry