I’ve been trying to get free of selfishness for many years. It seems to hang on like a magnet. It sets hard like concrete. Addiction is the perfect place to incubate selfish motives. Resentment and pride are the things that fuel drinking. I would often drink an evening away while musing on one difficult situation. One hurt. One blame. One reason to drink. The next day it would be something different, but very similar.
We are told to “think of others and we will get well”. Focus
on someone besides yourself, and you will forget your pain. I’m not so sure I
agree with that anymore. If we grew up lacking nurturance and compassion, we
may not be able to move on until we can receive what we didn’t get as a child.
Where would we get the unmet need of love from a parent when we ourselves are
well into adulthood? Is it possible that my selfish focus can’t be remedied
until I receive that bond of love that I should’ve had as a one year old?
It seems backwards to think that receiving love could
free me from thinking about myself. It
seems that having expectations to receive would keep me selfish. But I believe receiving
is what is needed. Without parental love we have a never-filled hole.
But I can receive this love from God. He
has always loved me. He has always been faithful. He has never condemned me. Acceptance is always there. He sees everything I do and think, and yet He
has mercy. Because He will never leave or forsake me, I can look to the future
without anxiety from my past.
