Are feelings bad?
When I was a kid I used to think so because I was self-conscious. I
learned how to push the feelings inside.
I learned to laugh with people, but to cry alone, to allow prescribed
anger, but never admit fear, to be happy, but never sorrowful.
When I was a drunk, I went full-tilt with one emotion until
the blackout came. But I am told that I drank to escape feelings. I thought
they stayed hidden while I drank. (?) But then I found out that I punched a hole
in the wall the night before or ruined my favorite picture frame by throwing scissors
at it. I guess I was feeling things after all. Did I let anger alone come to
the surface where I allowed it to further ruminate into huge resentments? I
thought I drank to get numb. Yes, but apparently I was numb with rage and I didn’t
want to know anything about it.
I have spent the past 13 years unraveling the lost truths
about my feelings and becoming honest about what is really there. In sobriety,
I had to learn to grieve without the numbing alcohol when my sister passed
away. I decided to make a Christmas tree in Laurie’s honor. Each year I add an
ornament that reminds me of her. This has proven very cathartic. The tree has
helped to bring closure for me and has given me gratitude with which to
celebrate her memory.
In sobriety I began to learn how to navigate stress. I ran to alcohol when faced with stress in the
drinking years. In sobriety I learned that God could give me the strength to
stop and say, “I can only do so much.” The rest was up to Him.
Another thing I learned in sobriety was how to be joyful.
I don’t believe I could feel joy while drunk because joy requires spiritual
connection and the ability to respond. Joy came to me when my grandchildren
were born. I was blown away by the combination of purpose, vulnerability, awe,
and appreciation for God’s creativity as I held each of them.
In sobriety feelings are not to be mastered but proven.
It has been made known to me that God can do miracles when we let Him bring
reality to our emotions.
Laurie's Tree
